Selfishness

A young woman, and a young man, sat on a bench, overlooking the town below and the setting sun in the distance. The silence was long and awkward. They avoided looking at one another, the air heavy between them. Each time one would turn to speak, they'd look away again unsure of how to continue. Paralyzed by the idea of saying the wrong thing.

She wanted to explode.

He couldn't bare to see a world without her.

She bit her lip, letting her gaze fall to her feet. Absentmindedly running a piece of gravel under her flat. It had felt so easy, so straightforward. But it wasn't anything like she expected.

So many love stories, pornography, anecdotes from mother and father figures told the same story. The romanticization of the orgasmic ending to a woman's balloon-y life. That to be with a woman as she swelled to her limit, and burst apart was every man's fantasy. That it was a balloon's purpose. To taste the sweet and overwhelming sensation of detonation and be gone in the wind.

She'd never considered that this young man could feel any different from that.

She'd never imagined that her explosion could be anything but a good thing. A beautiful thing.

Yet here she was. Sitting in the twilight as thoughts she'd never had to deal with before swirled and twisted her insides. An uneasiness. An uncertainty.

Was what she wanted... bad?

How could it be wrong? Wasn't it what every girl wanted? What every boy dreamed of?

Ever since she was a teenager, she'd thought of it. Looked forward to it. And as she crushed on the now young man sitting next to her, the fantasies turned to him being the one to do it. To share in the moment and be in the bliss of the bursting.

But not only did he refuse, he seemed horrified. Even digusted.

Disgusted... with me? Because of me?

Why was it so wrong?

What future could she even conceive? That's all he focused on, the future. Her dreams of pleasure and fulfillment in life ended with him teasing her taut delicate skin until she blew apart into nothingness. And here he had fantasies of forever. Not even to become a wife and fertile with the next generation. Genuinely forever.

It was a terrifying concept.

"Forever."

How could he ask her to think of that? Didn't he realize how selfish that was? That entire notion...

Can you even imagine forever? Growing old... living a hollow life.

Not partaking of the pleasure of inflation, the risks of allergic reaction, the joys of honorable pops, the fulfillment of creating life. To just drift through life. To grow old. Watch everyone she's ever known blow apart and blow away in the wind. Except him.

Him...

She felt knots in her guts. For the first time, she didn't feel the excitement of love thinking of him.

The life he wanted for her, for them. It would be a long life. But would it truly be happy? Being with him would mean rarely, if ever inflating. It would mean never scratching that itch that need. The compulsion to be filled and savour the stretching. It would mean trying to get new education as an adult. It would mean a lifetime of work. Everything she'd ever wanted, forever out of reach.

Tears dripped down her face.

These feelings. They hurt so much.

The doubt about her own desires. The need, deep inside her, to burst. The sour taste thinking of him left in her mouth, what once could have been love turning into resentment. The desire to call him selfish. And the truth that in her own way she was being selfish.

In many ways she knew that her problem wasn't him.

It was this fantasy of a long life.

Making her into something she's not. That she couldn't be.

He was so afraid of losing her, of living life without her. She was so desperate to fulfill her life long desire.

Coming up here together. It was supposed to be a moment of love. A declaration of excitement and sharing something special, sacred together. And instead all it'd done is drive them apart.

In sharing their desires. Deep down, they knew that they couldn't possibly be together anymore.

That when she stood up, and walked away. That was it.

Ironically, in a way, he'd get what he wanted. She wouldn't burst tonight, or tomorrow, or maybe even next year. The world would still have her in it for some time. Until she could meet the special person that she would give her explosion to.

Perhaps... it was selfishness. An awful thing.

But she wanted what she wanted.

And so she stood up. And walked away...